Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch) joins his older brother, Commander Stone (Alexander Skarsgård), in the U.S. Navy. He has the hots for a girl, Sam (Brooklyn Decker), who just so happens to be his commanding officer's daughter, Admiral Shane (Liam Neeson). Soon enough, he finds himself on a mission to defend the world against an alien attack. Cue the missiles and lots and lots of explosions.
Battleship might as well have taken place on an entire different planet with two alien species fighting one another because no one onscreen here behaves remotely like a human being would. All of the characters are instantly forgettable, and the same could be said for the cheesy dialogue. This is the kind of film where no one really has an actual conversation or makes any kind of perceptive remark. Perhaps director Peter Berg and co-writers Jon Hoeber and Erich Hoeber may be merely attempting to match the characters' low IQs with the IQ of Battleship's target audience. They'll "ooo" and "aahh" over the endless explosions and other forms of CGI eye candy like easily pleased little kids at an amusement park. Audience who care about things like imagination, story and surprises will be sorely disappointed. Transformers and Independence Day at least felt like a lots of fun and had humor to boot, but Battleship comes across like a humorless, boring video game. Everything is spoon-fed to the audience as if they were all Sarah Palin yet, concurrently, there's still tons of important questions left unanswered, like, why do they aliens attack Earth to begin with?
With its constant bombardment of action sequences, Battleship adds up to nothing more than a long, vapid and tedious orgasm of CGI effects that will leave you exacerbated. If you somehow make it through to the end of the 2 hours and 10 minutes running time, please be sure to stay through the credits for a stinger.
Mahler on the Couch